Embedded Files
Do you guys want to know a fun fact about pineapples? Like, there’s the one everyone knows. But did you also know that pineapple tastes like that because it contains enzymes that like dissolve your mouth? Because I learned that the hard way. It was my senior year of high school, early March, I remember that really clearly, and I’d just asked my girlfriend to prom. We’d only been dating for like a month, and she was actually my first girlfriend. So I was so nervous about prom night. So the entire week before it was supposed to happen I would wait until everyone was asleep and then I would go to the 24-hour grocery store where the whole night shift was on coke and buy all the boxes of pre-cut pineapple, and then I would drive home, stop at the Kwik Trip, fill up the gas to exactly the level it was when I left, I would take a picture of the gas gauge before I left to make sure it was right, I still have all the photos in my camera roll, and I’d then come home and eat all the pineapple. I didn’t even use a fork because I didn’t want to open the dishwasher halfway through the cycle and either there’d be a shit ton of pineapple juice everywhere when it was done or I’d have to start it over and they’d know I restarted it, so I’d just sit there and eat until like five in the morning, and then I’d dump all the boxes in the neighbor’s garbage can. I stopped eating during the day so I’d have more room for pineapple at night. And then one night, Wednesday night, I remember that, I’d gotten to that point where I couldn’t feel my tongue, like usual, but then I felt this burning in the back of my throat, and I started seeing like green static, and I just remember this metallic, like non-pineapple taste, but that’s all. I think I fell, and it must have been really loud, because my parents came downstairs and the whole kitchen island was like a pyramid of pineapple boxes and I was on the floor in like this halo of fallen pineapple cubes and I was bleeding from my mouth. So they took me to the ER but I don’t remember any of that. But I couldn’t fill the painkiller prescription they gave me because this happened after I got banned from entering Walgreens stores in the state of Wisconsin. And my car was too light to trigger the pharmacy drive through sensor, like the microphone is on a weight sensor so it goes off when – yeah. So I’d just sit there. And after the whole thing with the meth head with the Windex they bricked up the old drive through window and made another one like four feet higher, and my car was too short and they couldn’t see me. But anyways my friend who got his wisdom teeth out had to give me his oxy until like the mouth blisters healed. It was actually really nice of him. He was straightedge, so he wasn’t going to use it anyway. His post surgery kit also had this rinse he was supposed to use, to like sanitize like, the holes, but it had alcohol in it so he wasn’t going to use that either. It’s not like you drink surgical mouthwash, obviously, but he said with the open wounds it’d like, absorb, like it’d go straight to his bloodstream. Or that’s what he said. But anyways that was Wednesday and then covid happened on Thursday. So prom was rescheduled, and I was, like, preparing myself because I was going to have to start eating pineapple again, and then they rescheduled it again, and then the whole thing happened again like two more times before they finally canceled it. And I was super high risk for covid, because of the whole chemical burn narcotics thing, especially after I was at the ER, because I think the next day a patient at that hospital tested positive, so obviously I was super-social distanced. Like, when I got the oxy I had to wash the bottle off with the medical mouthwash, because my friend gave me that when he gave me the oxy, I mean you remember everyone thought we had to wash our groceries then. So anyways I couldn’t see my girlfriend at all. Then when I came to college she stopped answering my texts. So from then until junior year I just thought I was never going to see her again. Which kind of sucked. But then over winter break during junior year I ran into her at Sushi Wednesday at the Meier. It was really awkward. But then I was like, fuck it, it’s Sushi Wednesday, and I got in line behind her, it’s not like I thought she was going to say anything. But she actually turned around and she said she was sorry. But then it was her turn to order, and then when I was ordering she got her sushi and left. Anyways I didn’t get a prom, just the pineapple thing. So I’ve been chasing that ever since, and that’s why I’m really happy that dining services are including Chu Chi pineapple juice in the new campus vending machines.
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse